Maand 11 het gevlieg deur (as het Maand 12 so ver, dus hierdie laat post).
Maand 10 ended with some bad things happening in my personal life. These continued through most of Month 11 as well. I was dealing with the feelings caused by my gesin member and also a friend. Of the two, die gebroke vriendskap hurt far more. The relationship with my family member had been on a long slow descent with an abrupt, maar kort, cliff at the end. The broken friendship is something that I didn’t see coming… a total surprise and shock. We’ve all been there before, maar dit het so lank gelede iemand wat ek gehou wat naby in my hart het so 'n ding gedoen gewees.
Ek wil nie die vriendskap verbreek, but it remains that way to this day. For almost a month, I didn’t know how I would feel should my friend ask for forgiveness. Eventually, the hurt receded. This allowed me to align my feelings with my caring for this person. I am now at the point where I can forgive my friend should they ask for it. I can also continue the friendship; Maar dit sou nie so naby voor ... Ek is nie op 'n punt in my lewe waar ek is bereid leuenaars genoeg om te vertrou om hulle te laat in my sirkel van vriende. Perhaps I never will be. The really sad part is that I don't think this person has the first clue that they've done anything to hurt me.
Kersfees came and went during Month 11. We had a nice, quiet time - Maar die older ek, the more I miss having a family that loves one another. We don’t have children and that puts us in a lonely place too. I come from a very dysfunctional family. Perhaps that is why I have such revulsion for liars. My family’s holiday gatherings (Thanksgiving & Kersfees) was altyd groot shows waar almal op 'n masker en het 'n leuen dat ons almal normale, caring family. The rest of the year told a different, sad story. I survived, maar nie ongeskonde, by getting out. 2014 punte my 21st jaar van die lewe van honderde (iewers duisende) of miles from family. If you rule out the “visits” when they were just bringing my Mom to see me, of tel haar op, Ek kan reken op die tone van die een hand hoeveel keer my familie het my in daardie besoek 21 jaar. I, egter, hulle besoek het ten minste 'n dosyn keer.
Op my CES ...
Terwyl ek loop soos Frankenstein en nie my enkels te voel, it seems I had such a poor gait that I tore a tendon in my right ankle. Now that I have some feeling there, Ek het geweet dat iets anders as die senuwee pyn van Cauda perde sindroom was going on. The Doc said only surgery will fix it, but for now I’m only wearing an ankle brace. Had I noticed this earlier last year I would have had the surgery, maar dit is 'n nuwe jaar, with a new insurance deductible. And of course I’m on a high deductible plan (nie uit eie keuse nie - dit is al my werkgewer bied).
I have regained feeling in a lot of areas. The results of the nerve conductivity tests showed most of the L4/L5 damage has healed. This was the level at which the disk blew out, so I happy with that finding. However the points below L4/L5 still show significant injury and the jury is still out as to what will happen with those areas. I do have more “elektriese skok"Tik gevoelens, mostly in my right foot. The backs of my thighs and lower buttocks are still numb as is most of my genital area. B&B is nog steeds 'n probleem wat nie 'n baie van die bestuur (dis Blaas & Derm, nie Bed & Ontbyt).
Ek is aangemoedig, as Maand 11 gesluit, deur die klein groepie Bybelstudie we’re doing in our home. Between that and studying for my CMA eksamen in Februarie, I haven’t had much time for other things or maintaining relationships. I’ll be so glad once this exam is taken. I’ve had to give up some things – things I love doing - on the schedule in order to concentrate on these. After the exam, Ek het 'n paar van die ander projekte op my gereed lys, so ek sal voortgaan om besig te bly.
Maak my cauda Equina sindroom raak al hierdie? Definitely! Does it help shape my life? Absolutely! Is it defining me? In some small way… it is a part of me, just as my arms or legs are. Ja, Ek het 'n slegte dae, beide fisies en emosioneel - hopelik nie albei op dieselfde tyd! Through it all I rely on God’s love to see me through. In His love He knew that my back would be injured and He used that event to prod me to grow closer to Him. He has sustained me, my gekoester, and lifted me up. I am a better person, at a better place in life because of God taking the lemons of Cauda Equina Syndrome and helping me make lemonade out of them. Where that will lead I do not know, maar wat 'n avontuur, ek is op!