Mwezi 11 ina ndege na (kama ana mwezi 12 hivyo mbali, hivyo hii baada ya marehemu).
Mwezi 10 kumalizika kwa baadhi ya mambo mabaya yanayotokea katika maisha yangu binafsi. Haya kuendelea kwa zaidi ya mwezi 11 ikiwa ni pamoja na. I was dealing with the feelings caused by my familia member and also a friend. Mbili, kuvunjwa urafiki hurt far more. The relationship with my family member had been on a long slow descent with an abrupt, lakini short, cliff at the end. The broken friendship is something that I didn’t see coming… a total surprise and shock. We’ve all been there before, lakini imekuwa muda mrefu tangu mtu mimi uliofanyika kuwa karibu katika moyo wangu amefanya kitu kama hicho.
Sitaki urafiki kuvunjwa, but it remains that way to this day. For almost a month, I didn’t know how I would feel should my friend ask for forgiveness. Eventually, the hurt receded. This allowed me to align my feelings with my caring for this person. I am now at the point where I can forgive my friend should they ask for it. I can also continue the friendship; hata hivyo bila kuwa karibu kama kabla ya ... mimi nina si katika hatua katika maisha yangu ambapo mimi niko tayari uaminifu waongo wa kutosha kuwawezesha katika mzunguko yangu ya marafiki wa karibu. Perhaps I never will be. The really sad part is that I don't think this person has the first clue that they've done anything to hurt me.
Krismasi came and went during Month 11. We had a nice, quiet time - lakini older mimi kupata, the more I miss having a family that loves one another. We don’t have children and that puts us in a lonely place too. I come from a very dysfunctional family. Perhaps that is why I have such revulsion for liars. My family’s holiday gatherings (Shukrani & Krismasi) walikuwa daima inaonyesha kubwa ambapo kila mtu kuweka juu ya mask na aliishi nje uongo kwamba sisi sote yalikuwa ya kawaida, caring family. The rest of the year told a different, sad story. I survived, lakini si bila kujeruhiwa, by getting out. 2014 alama yangu 21st mwaka wa kuishi mamia (wakati mwingine maelfu) of miles from family. If you rule out the “visits” when they were just bringing my Mom to see me, au pick yake juu, Naweza kuhesabu juu ya miguu ya upande mmoja mara ngapi familia yangu ina alitembelea mimi katika wale 21 years. I, Hata hivyo, wametembelea wao angalau mara kadhaa.
On kwa CES yangu ...
Wakati nilikuwa kutembea kama Frankenstein na hautaweza kuhisi kifundo cha mguu wangu, it seems I had such a poor gait that I tore a tendon in my right ankle. Now that I have some feeling there, Nilijua kitu kingine chochote zaidi ya maumivu ujasiri wa Kauda equine syndrome was going on. The Doc said only surgery will fix it, but for now I’m only wearing an ankle brace. Had I noticed this earlier last year I would have had the surgery, lakini ni mwaka mpya, with a new insurance deductible. And of course I’m on a high deductible plan (si kwa hiari - ni mwajiri wangu inatoa wote).
I have regained feeling in a lot of areas. The results of the nerve conductivity tests showed most of the L4/L5 damage has healed. This was the level at which the disk blew out, so I happy with that finding. However the points below L4/L5 still show significant injury and the jury is still out as to what will happen with those areas. I do have more “umeme mshtuko"Aina hisia, mostly in my right foot. The backs of my thighs and lower buttocks are still numb as is most of my genital area. B&B bado ni suala kwamba inachukua mengi ya usimamizi (kwamba kibofu cha mkojo & Matumbo, si Kitanda & Kinywa).
Nimekuwa moyo, kama mwezi 11 limefungwa, na kundi dogo Kujifunza Biblia we’re doing in our home. Between that and studying for my CMA mtihani mwezi Februari, I haven’t had much time for other things or maintaining relationships. I’ll be so glad once this exam is taken. I’ve had to give up some things – things I love doing - on the schedule in order to concentrate on these. After the exam, Mimi kuwa wanandoa wa miradi mingine katika orodha yangu tayari, hivyo nitaendelea kukaa busy.
Je, Kauda Equina yangu Mwilini kuathiri yote haya? Definitely! Does it help shape my life? Absolutely! Is it defining me? In some small way… it is a part of me, just as my arms or legs are. Ndiyo, Mimi na siku mbaya, wawili kimwili na kihisia - hopefully si yote kwa wakati mmoja! Through it all I rely on God’s love to see me through. In His love He knew that my back would be injured and He used that event to prod me to grow closer to Him. He has sustained me, kunikuza, and lifted me up. I am a better person, at a better place in life because of God taking the lemons of Cauda Equina Syndrome and helping me make lemonade out of them. Where that will lead I do not know, lakini mimi ni yale adventure juu ya!