Buwan 11 May flown sa pamamagitan ng (bilang may Buwan 12 hanggang ngayon, kaya ito late post).
Buwan 10 ended with some bad things happening in my personal life. These continued through most of Month 11 as well. I was dealing with the feelings caused by my pamilya member and also a friend. Of the two, ang putol pagkakaibigan hurt far more. The relationship with my family member had been on a long slow descent with an abrupt, ngunit maikling, cliff at the end. The broken friendship is something that I didn’t see coming… a total surprise and shock. We’ve all been there before, ngunit ito ay kaya mahaba dahil ang isang tao gaganapin ko na malapit sa aking puso ay tapos na tulad ng isang bagay.
Hindi ko gusto ang pagkakaibigan pinaghiwa, but it remains that way to this day. For almost a month, I didn’t know how I would feel should my friend ask for forgiveness. Eventually, the hurt receded. This allowed me to align my feelings with my caring for this person. I am now at the point where I can forgive my friend should they ask for it. I can also continue the friendship; gayunpaman ito ay hindi magiging mas malapit tulad ng dati ... hindi ako sa isang punto sa aking buhay kung saan handa akong magtiwala liars sapat upang payagan ang mga ito sa aking mga lupon ng mga malapitang mga kaibigan. Perhaps I never will be. The really sad part is that I don't think this person has the first clue that they've done anything to hurt me.
Pasko came and went during Month 11. We had a nice, quiet time - ngunit ang older nakukuha ko, the more I miss having a family that loves one another. We don’t have children and that puts us in a lonely place too. I come from a very dysfunctional family. Perhaps that is why I have such revulsion for liars. My family’s holiday gatherings (Araw ng pasasalamat & Pasko) ay palaging malaki mga palabas kung saan lahat ng tao ilagay sa isang mask at nanirahan ang isang kasinungalingan na kami ay normal lahat, caring family. The rest of the year told a different, sad story. I survived, ngunit hindi hindi nasaktan, by getting out. 2014 minamarkahan ang aking 21st taon ng pamumuhay na daan-daang (sa ibang araw libo-libo) of miles from family. If you rule out the “visits” when they were just bringing my Mom to see me, o pick up sa kanya, Maaari akong magbilang sa paa ng isa kamay kung gaano karaming beses ang aking pamilya ay binisita mo ako sa mga 21 years. Ako, gayunman, binisita ang mga ito ng hindi bababa sa isang beses dosena.
Sa sa aking CES ...
Habang ako ay naglalakad tulad ng Frankenstein at hindi maramdaman ang aking ankles, it seems I had such a poor gait that I tore a tendon in my right ankle. Now that I have some feeling there, Alam ko ng bagay maliban sa kabastusan sakit ng Cauda kabayo sindrom was going on. The Doc said only surgery will fix it, but for now I’m only wearing an ankle brace. Had I noticed this earlier last year I would have had the surgery, ngunit ito ay isang bagong taon, with a new insurance deductible. And of course I’m on a high deductible plan (hindi sa pamamagitan ng pagpili - ito ay ang lahat ng aking mga alok employer).
I have regained feeling in a lot of areas. The results of the nerve conductivity tests showed most of the L4/L5 damage has healed. This was the level at which the disk blew out, so I happy with that finding. However the points below L4/L5 still show significant injury and the jury is still out as to what will happen with those areas. I do have more “electric shock"Type damdamin, mostly in my right foot. The backs of my thighs and lower buttocks are still numb as is most of my genital area. B&B ay pa rin ang isang isyu na tumatagal ng maraming pamamahala (na pantog & Magbunot ng bituka, hindi Kama & Almusal).
Ako ay na hinihikayat, bilang Buwan 11 sarado, sa pamamagitan ng maliit na pangkat Pag-aaral ng Bibliya we’re doing in our home. Between that and studying for my CMA pagsusulit noong Pebrero, I haven’t had much time for other things or maintaining relationships. I’ll be so glad once this exam is taken. I’ve had to give up some things – things I love doing - on the schedule in order to concentrate on these. After the exam, Mayroon akong isang pares ng mga iba pang mga proyekto sa aking handa listahan, kaya ako ay magpatuloy upang manatili abala.
Ba ang aking Cauda Equina Syndrome makakaapekto sa lahat ng ito? Definitely! Does it help shape my life? Absolutely! Is it defining me? In some small way… it is a part of me, just as my arms or legs are. Yes, Mayroon akong hindi magandang araw, parehong pisikal at emosyonal - sana ay hindi pareho sa parehong panahon! Through it all I rely on God’s love to see me through. In His love He knew that my back would be injured and He used that event to prod me to grow closer to Him. He has sustained me, nurtured sa akin, and lifted me up. I am a better person, at a better place in life because of God taking the lemons of Cauda Equina Syndrome and helping me make lemonade out of them. Where that will lead I do not know, ngunit kung ano ang isang pakikipagsapalaran na ako sa!